MONDAY 20-09-2021...
Some motivation.
My parents, so proud.
The lovely looks on their faces.
They made my heart melt.
I could finally see them smile again, after seeing them in pain, fear and tears in their eyes for weeks, and weeks.
Finally. Some hope.
I genuinely gave in to the fact I HAVE to change, and it makes me feel like a fat, misserable and weak dissapointment.
Monday was the day I started eating more, and even potatoes!
I feel fat, sad, dissapointed, scared, anxious, tired, nervous, stressed, and so much more.
So many feelings and so little space to storage them, so I'll just try to accept them.
I hate myself, but at the same time, I'm proud.
I didn’t want to stretch out my first steps to 'recovery'… but at the same time my feelings couldn't be worse!
WEDNESDAY 22-09-2021
I went to my first homeopathy appointment.
Barely no words left in my mouth.
I walked in to the room and the question that I was asked after what my name was...
'Do you have anorexia'.
'Do you have an eating disorder'.
Astonished... but actually not..
'What is your goal in life', he asked.
I started telling about my dreams and my goals that I AM GOING to achieve.
Later on, while talking about food and eating... not eating.. purging... or not...
'Your brain will dry out and you will die'.
I don't know how and why specifically that moment...
But it turned the knob in my head on to realization that if I would continue like this, I won't be able to achieve anything at all because I wouldn't be here no more.
How can you reach your goals, and fulfill your dreams when you'r dead.
Not alive.
No working brain, no working heart, no working body.... no life left to live.
It was very confronting and the fact that I will have to give up my biggest wish if I won't start making changes RIGHT NOW...
Makes me tear up while writing this.
Still needing to accept some things.
We are NOT 'only a body with good looks', but a and does 'unhealthy skinny' mean pretty or good looking?
No. NOT AT ALL.
The the homeopath has attributed several supplements to me and a diet with meal examples and arrangements I need to follow.
Praying for better times and risking it all.
Risking it all?
It feels like I'm risking to lose my beautiful but realistic seen not so beautiful and unhealthy skinny body again to become fat but realistic seen beautiful, healthy and happy again...
But I got this.
I eat and won't stop with my healthy lifestyle and passion for fitness!
Then, it'll all be alright!
Also little accomplisment, I gave in to my cravings and ate bread, more yoghurt, M&M's, oreo chocolate and speculaas.
I don't think that I'll be obesitas in 10 years because of that one night.
I actually think I should be proud I did it, and that I should be proud that I ate what was prescribed and didn't skip meals or eat less because of all the amount of guilt I was feeling! :)
Not that I will be eating very bad every day from now on, not at all!
If I got this, you do too!
Why not risk it all, and start a healthy life today, right now!
Change is scary, but will be worth it.
Something I read at the clinic from my homeopath about butterflies that I found very beautiful...
*The spirit refers to the Greek name for butterfly "psyche" as the symbol for the human soul.
-Its mythical meaning is connected to the soul of the survivor in search of reincarnation.
-A butterfly is the symbol of: beauty, transience, immortality, rebirth or metamorphosis.
-It is a positive symbol of change and immortality, and the beauty born of apparent death (such as the lifeless-looking cocoon).
LOTS OF LOVE! <3
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