But what do you see in the mirror?” She asked me when I told her with tears in my eyes, tears rolling down my cheeks, with hatred, sadness and bad pride in my eyes that again I hadn't managed to eat more.. I did not dare to speak out my answer. On the one hand, I saw a girl who would soon lose the battle if she continued like this… loss of all the life that lays ahead of me….
On the other hand, I can only think about 'a girl that everyone should be jealous of’..
Look at how healthy unhealthy healthy unhealthy thin I am!'.. while today I snacked for the first time… with an 89g cucumber… as long as my stomach or legs won’t get any fatter! Or my arms? My cheeks are already swollen by those thoughts!
A girl, thin and confident, but secretly very insecure.
Give me those low rizing jeans, nicely fitted and tight!
A nice tight open top and high shoes.
Make-up to cover up the bags under my eyes because of all those sleepless nights of hunger and sadness!
As finishing touch some cute accessories and I feel like a doll again!
As long as I can show people how thin I can be and mask or hide my weaknesses!
They want to help you, they claim. Help boost THEIR ego, because when you tell a mentally ill person that it's okay to eat, you're the hero.
Can't you see that? I certainly do.
I hurt people around me, but pleasure others..
They wait for my bricks to break and my wall to finally fall, just like on November 9, 1989, Berlin.
I don't know when my bricks will break, and I'm going to give up, but making new cement to hold everything together is running out.
"Just eat! Why are you acting so catty?! You are overreacting! Are you mad? You look like an 11 year old, so thin! Soon you will pass under the door! Just eat a little more, you won't get fat!'.
That’s what they all say.
Painful words, so it's better to shut down my feelings and emotions...
That's hard and easier said than done.
I can feel the tears coming up and it hurts.
The same pain when I sit on my wooden school chair in class and have to use my coat because I can no longer sit without a sore backbone.
My ass of stone and arms that have nowhere to rest softly.
I feel like a 'Glass Catfish'... look at that... that's not your future...
Every day it becomes more realistic, ending up on a feeding tube…
That rice will stick, all that meat will remain… fat will build up and I hear the question...
'Did you have enough?'.
Thanks, but now I have to go change my plate.
Swap for a bigger plate, rather a bowl.
It is either limiting during the day or masking my illness with a visit to the toilet in front of the eyes of others because I have to.
Get on your knees… get on your knees…
When is this over. When will I finally get my well deserved rest.
Like the northern lights, life passes me by without actually have been able to see it, and enjoy it... to cherish such a beautiful thing.
Never really being able to see something so beautiful, never really being able to witness it and not being able to experience it...
The only thing that I have been able to do is the daily search performance of my calorie intake. Oh… that 89g…
Such a beautiful thing…. The Northern Lights… a memory I would cherish with all my heart! But why don't I do that with my own northern lights right now?
Tears of sadness, but acceptance that you have gone too far yet? That will remain as a question...
Watch out, my northern lights are slowly passing me by.
It doesn't feel like reality.
*Part Two Incoming!!!
*Bucketlist: must see the Northern Lights at least once in my life!
LOTS OF LOVE<3
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